Hmm still dislike the word. Maybe I’ve read That Hideous Strength too many times. I prefer the word kindness, which St. Paul uses. Of all the subject complement adjectives he used about love, he did not include “nice.“
However, I have course agree with the general gist of your article. And no one wants to defend church militant, but to be fair, their “church of nice“ appellation mainly referred to the pastors who watered down doctrine, not their attitudes.
Oh, and lol, this reminded me of something: when I was a young adult I figured out my own method for discovering whether a priest was “liberal” or not: if I approached him or asked him for a favor and his immediate response was irritation, he usually turned out to be a liberal. I noticed almost immediately that the priests who were least likely to be bothered by being bothered by laypeople were conservative. (yes, I hate using these distinctions.)
I don’t know why this was the case, but it seemed to be true more often than not.
I have seen with my own eyes someone say "kind is better than nice" and being met with the response that kind is not so great either, so calling attention to the presence of the word kind in Scripture is a good thing.
The following excerpt explains how the meaning of "nice" became changed so much:
"The sense development has been extraordinary, even for an adj." [Weekley] -- from "timid" (pre-1300); to "fussy, fastidious" (late 14c.); to "dainty, delicate" (c.1400); to "precise, careful" (1500s, preserved in such terms as a nice distinction and nice and early ); to "agreeable, delightful" (1769); to "kind, thoughtful" (1830). In 16c.-17c. it is often difficult to determine exactly what is meant when a writer uses this word.
Its meaning changed to become "agreeable" over a long period of time, and now, the reason for its connotation(wishy-washy sense) in modern times:
If any criticism is valid, it might be that the word is used too often and has become a cliché lacking the qualities of precision and intensity that are embodied in many of its synonyms.
--Thursagen
That said, why not use the vocabulary of virtues so carefully teased out over the centuries? Ultimately, there are a wealth natural virtues, and kind people who are utterly unchurched, yet seem to do the right thing. I think this is the threat to our understanding of faith, in that we think the Pelagian view of humanity might win out, even in the Church. In that regard, I think the answer is twofold: to affirm virtue wherever it is practiced, and to gently, when appropriate, give God the glory. Virtue is a step towards godliness, perhaps with humility we might help people further along that path.
I like this a lot. Too many people these days seem to have concluded that being a jerk is a virtue and that kindness is for suckers. And, unfortunately, I think it’s a bipartisan problem. I come from the more progressive side of the American political divide and I’ve spent a long time trying to convince my fellow lefties that this is the wrong approach. I’m very glad to read this same argument coming from the other direction. Maybe if people of good will across the political spectrum keep making this argument, it will make some headway. After all, hope is a virtue too. Thanks for writing this.
As a mentor years ago once told me, "your niceness is benevolent dishonesty." For those of us who grew up with niceness as practically the only known christian virtue, it's a good masculine step to grow some teeth.
I've thought that pushback against the "Church of Nice" (from my experience in the non-denom/evangelical world) is because all-encompassing truth from the pulpit and any form of difficult conversation or healthy confrontation have been totally missing. We'd hear about the woman being caught in adultery being forgiven by Christ, but His final words to her, "Go and sin no more" isnt said. We'd hear about bad behaviors in the Church so we pray but we dont act when it's necessary because it's "not nice." I suppose this is all in the context of being WITHIN the Body.
However, in evangelism, absolutely - goodness and kindness leads men to repentance. But we need to understand that Christ set up a Kingdom, not a humanitarian nonprofit. We feed with fishes and loaves, but we also feed with words of the Spirit that pierces and leads the soul to eternal life.
Anyways, I absolutely love Dickens and Dr. Wyllie doesn't sound like enjoyable company. Bless you Michael!
Years ago I came across an incredibly simple yet profound tip for fatherhood in a book by a Catholic writer. He said that to imitate Christ in fatherhood is to aim to be tender AND severe, to be the Jesus who calls the little children and also the Jesus who flips the money changers’ table in righteous anger. This has served as an excellent model and mantra for me in leading my own family. But growing up in the Catholic Church in the 80s and 90s, with lots of exposure to Protestant youth group leaders jamming their guitars and talking about love, we got plenty of the tender but no severe. In response, we have those now pushing all severe with no tender. The answer is, obviously, not an over-emphasis on either/or, but an emphasis on both/and. On a practical level, maybe for anyone in the business of preaching it’s as simple as aiming to preach tender to severe on a 1 to 1 basis. And perhaps the He Gets Us folks could’ve made an even bigger impression by portraying the washing of the trans person’s feet while he was given a blanket to cover up or help removing his makeup. Tender and severe - an excellent mantra for fatherhood.
Great post! By the way, I'm one of those "conservatives" who said Jesus doesn't just "get us," he calls us to repentance. That's ALL of us—not just the gays and lesbians and trans-people—because we are all sinners and need forgiveness all the time. But it's a fact that on social media, progressives are constantly shouting that Christians don't get Jesus at all... otherwise, they wouldn't be such "bigots," which is code for "person indicating I might have to change my life."
Yes, Jesus shared the table with tax collectors and prostitutes, but they were transformed by Him. Aside from "I am the way, the truth, and the life," the key phrase in the Gospels is, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Denying yourself means dying to yourself and rising in Him. Picking up your cross daily means embracing suffering and sacrifice, two words that are exceedingly unpopular these days.
That's what following Him means. That's what going to Heaven means. There's no shortcut, and there definitely isn't an easy way out. "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it." (Matthew 7:13-14)
So "being mean," as progressives think we are, is really our attempt to save their immortal souls from eternal damnation. Sometimes, people need to be scared straight. I know this because I was one of them. Even after my confirmation into the Catholic Church, I still thought I could hang onto my New Age ways I had cultivated for 30+ years, because why not. It took a major divine kick in the butt to help me see how I was offending and hurting Jesus with practically everything I did, and that, if I were to die that day, I'd be going straight to Hell.
That was the trigger for my complete turnaround, but it took nothing less than that. No amount of "Jesus loves you's" would have done this. Of course, "Jesus loves you" is an important message, but it needs to be balanced with the message that, while it is God's grace that saves us, it will take a commitment on your part to enter the Kingdom. We are called to live holy lives and strive to become more like Jesus. It seems to me that progressives are just looking to get something for nothing, without any effort on their part.
I agree, and toward that understanding it would be good to listen to this year's Scott Lecture by Bruce Rogers Vaughn, on how neoliberalism became a religion disguised as social science. As you note, there is a selfish ideology being embraced by some Christians. The Super Bowl ad would have been better if it showed Jesus chasing the usurers out of the Temple market beating them with a knotted whip, which got him killed. He died for our sins of allowing a usurious global money system to rule the world and destroy the Garden that is Creation.
I was grieved when I saw the response from conservative Protestants and evangelicals to Tim Keller's winsomeness. I couldn't understand why someone who was no theological liberal was being derided as though he was. I have often wondered of the self-righteousness of these critics, but perhaps it is as you say - they just want an excuse to not be nice.
A few weeks ago we spent a church small group session on Matthew 7, and concluded that we are called to 'judge' our brothers and sisters in love and in recognition of our own sins. I do not see this very often.
I welcome this essay! Thank you for distinguishing between “real tenderness” and “fake tenderness.” It’s about the roots as well as the flowers. I needed this firm reminder to practice sincere, receptive kindness.
Excellent writing and so True, Michael! It takes practice of the Faith and it is not easy at first.
When people used to ask me 'how are you,' automatically I'd say, Good!
While I read the verses several times, I didn't change that habit until it really sunk into me with Jesus' response,
And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?
And Jesus said to him, Why do you call me good? there is none good but one, that is, God.
Mark 10: 17-18
It took a while to change that automatic response, but now I'll answer, fine or ok!
There's still a long way to be perfect as God is perfect if ever in this life, but it's worth trying to cast off the old man and resurrect Daily in the Newness of Life with the Resurrection of Christ.
You have heard that it has been said, You shall love your neighbour, and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you;
That you may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if you love them which love you, what reward have you? do not even the publicans the same?
And if you salute your brethren only, what do you more than others? do not even the publicans so?
You therefore be perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5: 43-48
If the people of this Material did that, we would not be on the verge of the Battle of that Great Day of God Almighty, aka ARMAGEDDON
I absolutely agree! And I live around this all the time and, sadly, have participated far too much in it. It's one thing to point out that progressives have used/understood "niceness" and "kindness" as shields for sin and dismantling historic Christian teaching and practice, to point out that they overly value feeling good. It's another to completely disregard Christian teaching on gentleness in response.
It's like judgement: back in the day when "relativism" was the conservative Christian's focus (and not always unjustly) it was widely recognized that the notion of non-judgmentalism was being distorted into defending logical absurdity and sin. Being non-judgmental doesn't mean not being able to day that one action is right or wrong. True. But it led, including in my own life, to actually being judgemental in response. Now, I have a lot more work to do because I, like many in my cohort, responded to absurdity with arrogance.
Absolutely, brother. Ever since elementary school I've had a talent for creatively insulting people. It really helped me launch my career in journalism. My hands certainly aren't clean, and I've got plenty to repent of.
I think the problem with being nice is a political one. To quote one of the conservatives who balk at the word, “if you sacrifice truth on the altar of nice, you are hurting more than you're helping. In fact, you are the reason our culture is in the shape it's in.”
I agree with you that we need to draw our liberal friends in on an individual level. But we also need to continue fighting evil and if that means crushing our opponents politically then nice isn’t the tool we should be using in every scenario. For example, voting and being vocal about fundamental truths even if it hurts any tender hearted liberals.
I challenge any conservative Catholic who denigrates "niceness" to work for a Church in New Jersey. Two weeks into the job, and any non-masochist will beseech the Lord to make His people nicer.
I know that the times when I am not nice (which are many--most!) are because I am short tempered and selfish, but I wish that I were better. I can count on zero hands the number of times I have been "not nice" to someone and come away feeling wholeheartedly that I handled a situation well.
I think the issue is that too many people confuse "niceness" with "saying what people want to hear"--from both sides of the aisle. Those who would excuse sin say that it is unkind to hold firm to truths. Those who would hew close to the law say that niceness means overlooking or excusing sin and that it is wrong. Both sides make the same mistake when assuming that "niceness" has anything to do with the opinions one holds. One can disagree--completely--with another and still treat them nicely and with kindness. It comes from within and is projected outward.
If someone else perceives a difference of opinion as an unkindness or as bigotry, then so be it. But it is on US to bear ourselves well, to do our best to tame our tongues, to be nice to others. That our beliefs may offend has no bearing on whether or not we are being "nice." How we express those opinions, and how we feel about those to whom we are expressing them, does.
Hmm still dislike the word. Maybe I’ve read That Hideous Strength too many times. I prefer the word kindness, which St. Paul uses. Of all the subject complement adjectives he used about love, he did not include “nice.“
However, I have course agree with the general gist of your article. And no one wants to defend church militant, but to be fair, their “church of nice“ appellation mainly referred to the pastors who watered down doctrine, not their attitudes.
Oh, and lol, this reminded me of something: when I was a young adult I figured out my own method for discovering whether a priest was “liberal” or not: if I approached him or asked him for a favor and his immediate response was irritation, he usually turned out to be a liberal. I noticed almost immediately that the priests who were least likely to be bothered by being bothered by laypeople were conservative. (yes, I hate using these distinctions.)
I don’t know why this was the case, but it seemed to be true more often than not.
I have seen with my own eyes someone say "kind is better than nice" and being met with the response that kind is not so great either, so calling attention to the presence of the word kind in Scripture is a good thing.
I agree wholeheartedly, Regina. Found this:
From Etymonline.com:
late 13c., "foolish, stupid, senseless
The following excerpt explains how the meaning of "nice" became changed so much:
"The sense development has been extraordinary, even for an adj." [Weekley] -- from "timid" (pre-1300); to "fussy, fastidious" (late 14c.); to "dainty, delicate" (c.1400); to "precise, careful" (1500s, preserved in such terms as a nice distinction and nice and early ); to "agreeable, delightful" (1769); to "kind, thoughtful" (1830). In 16c.-17c. it is often difficult to determine exactly what is meant when a writer uses this word.
Its meaning changed to become "agreeable" over a long period of time, and now, the reason for its connotation(wishy-washy sense) in modern times:
If any criticism is valid, it might be that the word is used too often and has become a cliché lacking the qualities of precision and intensity that are embodied in many of its synonyms.
--Thursagen
That said, why not use the vocabulary of virtues so carefully teased out over the centuries? Ultimately, there are a wealth natural virtues, and kind people who are utterly unchurched, yet seem to do the right thing. I think this is the threat to our understanding of faith, in that we think the Pelagian view of humanity might win out, even in the Church. In that regard, I think the answer is twofold: to affirm virtue wherever it is practiced, and to gently, when appropriate, give God the glory. Virtue is a step towards godliness, perhaps with humility we might help people further along that path.
Should be the apostolate Church Militant, above
I like this a lot. Too many people these days seem to have concluded that being a jerk is a virtue and that kindness is for suckers. And, unfortunately, I think it’s a bipartisan problem. I come from the more progressive side of the American political divide and I’ve spent a long time trying to convince my fellow lefties that this is the wrong approach. I’m very glad to read this same argument coming from the other direction. Maybe if people of good will across the political spectrum keep making this argument, it will make some headway. After all, hope is a virtue too. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you, brother. I hope eventually folks just get tired of the cruelty.
As a mentor years ago once told me, "your niceness is benevolent dishonesty." For those of us who grew up with niceness as practically the only known christian virtue, it's a good masculine step to grow some teeth.
I've thought that pushback against the "Church of Nice" (from my experience in the non-denom/evangelical world) is because all-encompassing truth from the pulpit and any form of difficult conversation or healthy confrontation have been totally missing. We'd hear about the woman being caught in adultery being forgiven by Christ, but His final words to her, "Go and sin no more" isnt said. We'd hear about bad behaviors in the Church so we pray but we dont act when it's necessary because it's "not nice." I suppose this is all in the context of being WITHIN the Body.
However, in evangelism, absolutely - goodness and kindness leads men to repentance. But we need to understand that Christ set up a Kingdom, not a humanitarian nonprofit. We feed with fishes and loaves, but we also feed with words of the Spirit that pierces and leads the soul to eternal life.
Anyways, I absolutely love Dickens and Dr. Wyllie doesn't sound like enjoyable company. Bless you Michael!
Hear hear.
"You cannot be too gentle, too kind.
Shun even to appear harsh in your treatment of each other.
Joy, radiant joy, streams from the face of him who gives
and kindles joy in the heart of him who receives.
All condemnation is from the devil.
Never condemn each other.
Instead of condemning others, strive to reach inner peace.
Keep silent, refrain from judgment.
This will raise you above the deadly arrows of slander, insult, and outrage
and will shield your glowing hearts against all evil.”
-St Seraphim of Sarov
Brilliant quote from the greatest saint of our time. Thank you!
Years ago I came across an incredibly simple yet profound tip for fatherhood in a book by a Catholic writer. He said that to imitate Christ in fatherhood is to aim to be tender AND severe, to be the Jesus who calls the little children and also the Jesus who flips the money changers’ table in righteous anger. This has served as an excellent model and mantra for me in leading my own family. But growing up in the Catholic Church in the 80s and 90s, with lots of exposure to Protestant youth group leaders jamming their guitars and talking about love, we got plenty of the tender but no severe. In response, we have those now pushing all severe with no tender. The answer is, obviously, not an over-emphasis on either/or, but an emphasis on both/and. On a practical level, maybe for anyone in the business of preaching it’s as simple as aiming to preach tender to severe on a 1 to 1 basis. And perhaps the He Gets Us folks could’ve made an even bigger impression by portraying the washing of the trans person’s feet while he was given a blanket to cover up or help removing his makeup. Tender and severe - an excellent mantra for fatherhood.
Excellent comment, thank you!
Great post! By the way, I'm one of those "conservatives" who said Jesus doesn't just "get us," he calls us to repentance. That's ALL of us—not just the gays and lesbians and trans-people—because we are all sinners and need forgiveness all the time. But it's a fact that on social media, progressives are constantly shouting that Christians don't get Jesus at all... otherwise, they wouldn't be such "bigots," which is code for "person indicating I might have to change my life."
Yes, Jesus shared the table with tax collectors and prostitutes, but they were transformed by Him. Aside from "I am the way, the truth, and the life," the key phrase in the Gospels is, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Denying yourself means dying to yourself and rising in Him. Picking up your cross daily means embracing suffering and sacrifice, two words that are exceedingly unpopular these days.
That's what following Him means. That's what going to Heaven means. There's no shortcut, and there definitely isn't an easy way out. "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it." (Matthew 7:13-14)
So "being mean," as progressives think we are, is really our attempt to save their immortal souls from eternal damnation. Sometimes, people need to be scared straight. I know this because I was one of them. Even after my confirmation into the Catholic Church, I still thought I could hang onto my New Age ways I had cultivated for 30+ years, because why not. It took a major divine kick in the butt to help me see how I was offending and hurting Jesus with practically everything I did, and that, if I were to die that day, I'd be going straight to Hell.
That was the trigger for my complete turnaround, but it took nothing less than that. No amount of "Jesus loves you's" would have done this. Of course, "Jesus loves you" is an important message, but it needs to be balanced with the message that, while it is God's grace that saves us, it will take a commitment on your part to enter the Kingdom. We are called to live holy lives and strive to become more like Jesus. It seems to me that progressives are just looking to get something for nothing, without any effort on their part.
I agree, and toward that understanding it would be good to listen to this year's Scott Lecture by Bruce Rogers Vaughn, on how neoliberalism became a religion disguised as social science. As you note, there is a selfish ideology being embraced by some Christians. The Super Bowl ad would have been better if it showed Jesus chasing the usurers out of the Temple market beating them with a knotted whip, which got him killed. He died for our sins of allowing a usurious global money system to rule the world and destroy the Garden that is Creation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWlfXa2i62U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6pTKwKxoe0
I was grieved when I saw the response from conservative Protestants and evangelicals to Tim Keller's winsomeness. I couldn't understand why someone who was no theological liberal was being derided as though he was. I have often wondered of the self-righteousness of these critics, but perhaps it is as you say - they just want an excuse to not be nice.
A few weeks ago we spent a church small group session on Matthew 7, and concluded that we are called to 'judge' our brothers and sisters in love and in recognition of our own sins. I do not see this very often.
I welcome this essay! Thank you for distinguishing between “real tenderness” and “fake tenderness.” It’s about the roots as well as the flowers. I needed this firm reminder to practice sincere, receptive kindness.
Excellent writing and so True, Michael! It takes practice of the Faith and it is not easy at first.
When people used to ask me 'how are you,' automatically I'd say, Good!
While I read the verses several times, I didn't change that habit until it really sunk into me with Jesus' response,
And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?
And Jesus said to him, Why do you call me good? there is none good but one, that is, God.
Mark 10: 17-18
It took a while to change that automatic response, but now I'll answer, fine or ok!
There's still a long way to be perfect as God is perfect if ever in this life, but it's worth trying to cast off the old man and resurrect Daily in the Newness of Life with the Resurrection of Christ.
You have heard that it has been said, You shall love your neighbour, and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you;
That you may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if you love them which love you, what reward have you? do not even the publicans the same?
And if you salute your brethren only, what do you more than others? do not even the publicans so?
You therefore be perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5: 43-48
If the people of this Material did that, we would not be on the verge of the Battle of that Great Day of God Almighty, aka ARMAGEDDON
I absolutely agree! And I live around this all the time and, sadly, have participated far too much in it. It's one thing to point out that progressives have used/understood "niceness" and "kindness" as shields for sin and dismantling historic Christian teaching and practice, to point out that they overly value feeling good. It's another to completely disregard Christian teaching on gentleness in response.
It's like judgement: back in the day when "relativism" was the conservative Christian's focus (and not always unjustly) it was widely recognized that the notion of non-judgmentalism was being distorted into defending logical absurdity and sin. Being non-judgmental doesn't mean not being able to day that one action is right or wrong. True. But it led, including in my own life, to actually being judgemental in response. Now, I have a lot more work to do because I, like many in my cohort, responded to absurdity with arrogance.
Absolutely, brother. Ever since elementary school I've had a talent for creatively insulting people. It really helped me launch my career in journalism. My hands certainly aren't clean, and I've got plenty to repent of.
I think the problem with being nice is a political one. To quote one of the conservatives who balk at the word, “if you sacrifice truth on the altar of nice, you are hurting more than you're helping. In fact, you are the reason our culture is in the shape it's in.”
I agree with you that we need to draw our liberal friends in on an individual level. But we also need to continue fighting evil and if that means crushing our opponents politically then nice isn’t the tool we should be using in every scenario. For example, voting and being vocal about fundamental truths even if it hurts any tender hearted liberals.
I challenge any conservative Catholic who denigrates "niceness" to work for a Church in New Jersey. Two weeks into the job, and any non-masochist will beseech the Lord to make His people nicer.
Lol I believe it. This article sounds like it pertains 100% to the context of your church experience.
I know that the times when I am not nice (which are many--most!) are because I am short tempered and selfish, but I wish that I were better. I can count on zero hands the number of times I have been "not nice" to someone and come away feeling wholeheartedly that I handled a situation well.
I think the issue is that too many people confuse "niceness" with "saying what people want to hear"--from both sides of the aisle. Those who would excuse sin say that it is unkind to hold firm to truths. Those who would hew close to the law say that niceness means overlooking or excusing sin and that it is wrong. Both sides make the same mistake when assuming that "niceness" has anything to do with the opinions one holds. One can disagree--completely--with another and still treat them nicely and with kindness. It comes from within and is projected outward.
If someone else perceives a difference of opinion as an unkindness or as bigotry, then so be it. But it is on US to bear ourselves well, to do our best to tame our tongues, to be nice to others. That our beliefs may offend has no bearing on whether or not we are being "nice." How we express those opinions, and how we feel about those to whom we are expressing them, does.
Thanks again Michael. Love your heart for God and his creation!!
Thank you, Michael! I'm honored.